HOW TO NURTURE A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”

Have you ever wondered how certain couples were able to stay together for many years? What are they doing right? What are the factors that contribute to the success of healthy, long term relationships? As far as my understanding and experience is concerned on this topic there are a few fundamental components that will improve your chances of having a successful relationship.

Some of them are: Fighting Fairly; Healthy Communication; Willingness To Compromise; Expressing Your Love and Appreciating Each Other and most importantly Mutual Commitment.

FIGHTING FAIRLY

To begin, one must understand a basic rule of getting along with others. Every relationship has arguments; they are a natural part of all relationships. But how you choose to engage in those arguments is a key factor in whether your relationship will withstand the test of time. You and your relationships benefit tremendously if you learn how to “fight fairly”. What does it mean to fight fairly?

FIGHT FAIRLY means pulling leg, unrealistic expectations, unpunctual, unromantic etc etc.. You should see each other negatives and try to make each other realize those negatives through these fights because in any case ultimately it’s another kind of expressing your concern for the other person.

It’s somewhat similar to the old and famous doha of KABIR JI:

Nindak niyare rakhiye, Angan kuti chawai,
bin pani sabun bina, nirmal kare subhaiy

All these fights will help you in understanding more of each other and will help in increasing patience, willingness to compromise, discussing matters of conflict without withdrawing physically or shutting down emotionally, avoiding ego clashes in future and will ultimately bring out two people full of love , love and true love for each other

HEALTHY COMMUNICATION

Avoid absolute language like “always” and “never”. Try using “I” statements that describe your feelings instead of “you” statements that often make the other person feel attacked. For example, instead of saying to your significant other, “You always come home late, you never think about me.” You could say,“I feel worried (fill in your feeling) when you (fill in your significant other’s behavior as objectively as you can) come home late without calling and I would like you to (what do you want or need) call if you are going to be late.”

“Some think that love is all flowers and good times, but I think that love is more than just that. Love is the bad, as well as the better, not lived alone, but a journey together. Something that only the closest can share, with communication, respect,”

It is important to understand that we must express what we need and take a look at our expectations to see if they are reasonable and fair. If expectations are continually not met then something is not working in the area of compromise or your core values/desires are significantly different and outside help may be needed.

WILLINGNESS TO COMPROMISE

There are many times where compromise plays a significant role in a successful relationship. If you want one thing and your loved one wants something else, there are times when you both could benefit the relationship by meeting the need of your significant other. It is important to ask yourself:” Is this something I can compromise on?” The way you choose to think about your chosen compromises can help or hinder the relationship. If you choose resignation: “Ugh, I have to go to this party because my loved one wants to!” versus acceptance: “I am choosing to go with my loved one to this party because it is important to him or her.” Just by virtue of choosing the way you frame the thought, you are influencing your feelings about the situation.

“A compromise is the art of dividing a cake in such a way that everyone believes that he has got the biggest piece.”

One of the biggest questions you must ask yourself when you are in relationship is: “Is it more important to be right or to be happy?” Sometimes it can be as easy as letting go of the need to be the one in the relationship who is “right”. One question to consider when deciding if you are willing to compromise on an issue is: “Will this matter to me in five years?” If you find the answer is no, it may be easier to find your way to compromising in that scenario.

EXPRESSING YOUR LOVE AND APPRECIATING EACH OTHER

The research suggests that couples who demonstrate their affection and love toward one another are more successful. It is particularly appropriate when you can demonstrate affection and maintain a positive connection to your loved one when in the middle of conflict. This is much easier said than done, but it can be learned and it is definitely worth attempting as you work toward becoming a successful couple.

Focus on what you love about each other.

Catch your loved one doing things that you appreciate and let him/her know how much you appreciate those things. Find special moments in the day to share your love and appreciation with one another and you will continue to discover more to love and appreciate. It is important that you remember what qualities attracted you to each other and to talk about those things that you find loveable, kind, warm, fun, sexy and attractive. When you are feeling a momentary lack of love, do something kind for your loved one by getting out of your own head and into the mode of sharing. A little bit of gratitude goes a very long way. If you sneak a peek at your honey doing something you really love, tell them! Express gratitude in every way possible

MUTUAL COMMITMENT

This one is simple yet the most important – you both must be committed to the relationship and the work it takes to maintain a healthy relationship. Relationships may only be ‘easy’ in the ‘honeymoon period’ when both parties are on their absolute best behavior, there is tons of mystery and you are still both really getting to know one another. When that period wears off, whether it takes two months or three years, you will begin to see if you both have what it takes to make this relationship work for the long term. You may trade the butterflies of the unknown for a shared, beautiful history when you are in a long term relationship. With mutual commitment however, the feelings ebb and flow and the hard work that is demanded to maintain the relationship makes it all worthwhile.

If one of these essential components is missing from your relationship but you have mutual commitment than there is still hope. Seek a qualified counselor (like me) to assist you with the other areas covered above. It is often a great tool to have an objective who can reflect back and assist both of you in the process of navigating the road to long term commitment. It is my experience in counselling couples that no situation is hopeless if both people are willing to do the work necessary to make changes and work through the issues that arise in the relationship.

It is my wish that you all have beautiful, fulfilling and love filled relationships in your lives.

Regards: 

Anshul Dhingra